There are some steaming turds masquerading as hot takes in my Twitter mentions as GW34 draws near. Let me be blunt: Roberto Pereyra or Ruben Loftus-Cheek or Mamadou Sakho are incredibly risky starts, all of them. I get it though, scarcity and volatility are back to insane levels as the season winds to a close, especially with fixtures like Spurs vs. City. I’ve ranked both those teams, by the way, as though they’ll play it straight up and start their best available players. City are out of every competition but Pep will desperately want to bury the narrative that his merry band of marauding geniuses choked their way out of the FA Cup and Champions League and look to wrap up the EPL, stat. Against a rested Spurs, what could possibly go wrong? Plenty. Make no mistake, Abu Dhabi United Group will indeed with the Premier League, but there’s every possibility that they’ll end this year on a fairly dour note and look to next season with more questions than answers when it comes to the bodies and energy required to sustain momentum in 4 competitions.

Let’s get started.

  • Studs: I’d rank Sharko higher than Lukaku if it weren’t for the fact that West Brom have no fucks left to give about their season. Paul Lambert has only managed to make matters worse at Stoke and I fully expect Arnautovic to go off, with ample service provided by the wingbacks and Mario/Lanzini. I’m also still high on Sadio Mane despite the woeful collective outcome from the Merseyside Derby.
  • Duds: The only reason I’m even ranking Troy Deeney is because I want to pin him with the 25/25 designation. If you care about what’s left of your Togga season, you can’t trust it to an ill-disciplined chubby forward who’s only good for a few aerials and very occasional goals.
 GoalkeepersDefendersMidfieldersForwards
1David De GeaAndrew RobertsonSadio ManeRoberto Firmino
2Lukasz FabianskiMarcos AlonsoWillianP.E. Aubameyang
3Nick PopeAntonio ValenciaLeroy SaneRomelu Lukaku
4Loris KariusCesar AzpilicuetaChristian EriksenMarko Arnautovic
5Jordan PickfordNacho MonrealKevin De BruyneAlexis Sanchez
6Thibaut CourtoisTrent Alexander-ArnoldWilfried ZahaMohamed Salah
7Kasper SchmeichelVirgil Van DijkEden HazardHarry Kane
8Jack ButlandArthur MasuakuPaul PogbaSergio Aguero
9Pet CechStephen WardDavid SilvaJamie Vardy
10Wayne HennesseyLeighton BainesHeung-Min SonRaheem Sterling
11Jonas LosslHarry MaguireRiyad MahrezAlvaro Morata
12Martin DubravkaJames TarkowskiMesut OzilCenk Tosun
13Mat RyanJames TomkinsOxlade-ChamberlainGlenn Murray
14EdersonVictor MosesJesse LingardJordan Ayew
15Hugo LlorisShkodran MustafiAndros TownsendSteve Mounie
16Joe HartBen DaviesXherdan ShaqiriTheo Walcott
17Orestis KarnezisBen ChilwellAaron RamseyGabriel Jesus
18Alex McCarthyChristopher SmallingDele AlliKenedy
19Ben FosterEric BaillyPascal GrossAlexander Lacazette
20Asmir BegovicSerge AurierCesc FabregasAyoze Perez
21Kevin LongMarc AlbrightonCharlie Austin
22Michael KeaneAlex IwobiSalomon Rondon
23Shane DuffyLuka MilivojevicMame Diouf
24Patrick Van AanholtJoao MarioJoshua King
25Hector BellerinAbdoulaye DoucoureTroy Deeney
26Seamus ColemanN'Golo Kante
27Dejan LovrenJordon Ibe
28Kyle WalkerDusan Tadic
29Antonio RudigerRoberto Pereyra
30Ryan ShawcrossRuben Loftus-Cheek
31Nicolas OtamendiRyan Fraser
32Christopher SchindlerYohan Cabaye
33Jose HolebasJoe Allen
34Jan VertonghenJonjoe Shelvey
35Matthew LowtonWill Hughes
36Kurt ZoumaAshley Young
37Mamadou SakhoAaron Mooy
38DaniloMatt Ritchie
39ZankaFernandinho
40Kiko FemeniaAaron Wan-Bissaka

This season, our weekly fantasy Premier League ranks are a one-man affair, with Benji Wade taking over the mantle. You can find him on Twitter: .