There are some steaming turds masquerading as hot takes in my Twitter mentions as GW34 draws near. Let me be blunt: Roberto Pereyra or Ruben Loftus-Cheek or Mamadou Sakho are incredibly risky starts, all of them. I get it though, scarcity and volatility are back to insane levels as the season winds to a close, especially with fixtures like Spurs vs. City. I’ve ranked both those teams, by the way, as though they’ll play it straight up and start their best available players. City are out of every competition but Pep will desperately want to bury the narrative that his merry band of marauding geniuses choked their way out of the FA Cup and Champions League and look to wrap up the EPL, stat. Against a rested Spurs, what could possibly go wrong? Plenty. Make no mistake, Abu Dhabi United Group will indeed with the Premier League, but there’s every possibility that they’ll end this year on a fairly dour note and look to next season with more questions than answers when it comes to the bodies and energy required to sustain momentum in 4 competitions.

Let’s get started.

• Studs: I’d rank Sharko higher than Lukaku if it weren’t for the fact that West Brom have no fucks left to give about their season. Paul Lambert has only managed to make matters worse at Stoke and I fully expect Arnautovic to go off, with ample service provided by the wingbacks and Mario/Lanzini. I’m also still high on Sadio Mane despite the woeful collective outcome from the Merseyside Derby.
• Duds: The only reason I’m even ranking Troy Deeney is because I want to pin him with the 25/25 designation. If you care about what’s left of your Togga season, you can’t trust it to an ill-disciplined chubby forward who’s only good for a few aerials and very occasional goals.

This season, our weekly fantasy Premier League ranks are a one-man affair, with Benji Wade taking over the mantle. You can find him on Twitter: Follow @benjiwade.